suffering and the cause of suffering

Pema Chodron says that a student is well trained who can bring all of life to practice. Today I’m struggling to bring my life as it is to practice. I’m paying the consequences of some past inaction. Financial and emotional. And I don’t like it. Upset stomach. Mind like slurpy ice mush. Not frozen but very slow. Body a long way off and not easily accessible. So I’m writing here today as a way to practice.
How I’m feeling now is how it feels to suffer. Angry. Scared. Sad. Hurt. And lots of mental chatter about it all. Practice seems a long way off. Across the river and in a meditation hall with my cushion. Separate from my life.
Taking a deep breath. Feeling my fingers on the keyboard. Seeing the screen with these words as I type. Another breath. It’s like this right now. This is my life right now. My karma living itself out. The past actions of myself and others coming to fruition. And I don’t like it. This struggle is what resentment feels like. Resentment of others or of myself. Their actions or my own.
May I be free from suffering and the cause of suffering. May all be free from suffering and the cause of suffering. How many people on the planet are feeling like I do right now? Trying to live/avoid the consequences of their actions and karma. Maybe some compassion will come for those who suffer today.
The day is slightly overcast. The sun will probably burn off this early morning haze. I need to make a bank deposit. So I’m off for a walking meditation to the bank. Feeling my body on the earth. One step. One breath at a time. Doing the next indicated thing.

Walking Meditation Salmon Creek

Went for a long walk/hike a couple of days ago. One of those perfect Portland summer days that we don’t talk about much. Early morning light clouds completely burned off by noon. High of 69. Long pants and a light shirt were plenty. A cool down canyon breeze blew at just the right times evaporating the sweat of exertion. It had rained the night before and as the sun burned off the left over rain, everything SMELLED. Each turn in the trail brought a slightly different exposure and a slightly different vegetative community and very different smell.

The fact that I’d just completed a multi day meditation retreat left me feeling wide open to just being there. To just walking, just seeing, just breathing, just smelling and just hearing. As I’m typing, I’m chuckling at “just”. Doesn’t seem to do the experience justice. My mind was wonderfully quiet as we walked. Talking a little about our lives. Mostly being there. Taking in the lush under story of fern and maple. More greens than I could ever hope to name.

Last week I asked, “Why do I do it? Why do I meditate?” This hike is another reason why. To be free from my ever wandering, problem solving/creating mind. To simply be. Here.