I Do Know...

Co-workers… mostly they are great. But you know how it is. There’s always one or two.
Earlier this week one of em’ got me. I take the bus these days. With the new schedule, timing is important because of fewer buses and trains. Work is great in helping. If I get off at 5:25 I get the bus an am home by six. If i get off at 5:30 I catch the 6:00 and get home 6:45 or 7:00 if I miss the yellow line.
Last week my boss had a co-worker step in for me at 5:20. Except she didn’t. Walked by saying she was supposed to step in for me and would be back in a minute. Ten minutes later the boss escorts her to my station and inserts her with a scowl and an apology. Nothing from her. Self-centered twit was visiting with some friends in another part of the store. She was upset at having been interrupted. I rushed off to catch my bus and watched it glide by as I walked out the front door. Livid, I sat at the bus bench and fumed. Finally, in almost a black out I headed back into the store to give her a piece of my mind. Really, like in a dream. Watching myself head into disaster. Putting my foot in my mouth one more time.
As I entered the store, my boss headed me off with, “I’m sorry about the bus man. I’ve already spoken to her.” As I headed past him, “ Don’t do it Rick”. Whistles and buzzers going off. Man every time you do this you get in trouble. Did it anyways. Gave her a piece of my mind… in front of about six co-workers and customers. Let her have the full force of my rage at what an inconsiderate ……… she was.
Later, as I waited for the bus, sitting there head in hand, I knew full well that I owed her an amends. Here comes the bus. Tomorrow. First thing tomorrow.
All evening long, dread. Remorse. Guilt. Kinda sick to my stomach. You know, yucky yuck y. Tossing and turning. Knowing full well that even if she is inconsiderate, going off like that in front of everyone, was at the minimum not the right time or place.
Next day, I get to work a little bit nervous. Check the schedule. She comes in at 2:30. I’ll wait for her upstairs and do it immediately. Go down stairs and begin to ruminate about what a sow she is. Replaying every inconsiderate act I’ve seen of her over the last couple of years. “What the hell is wrong with this store that there aren’t consequences for her behavior? None. Not even when she….” The list ran on and on. Getting madder at her and at the bosses who hadn’t straightened her out.
Lunch. “I should really call my sponsor.” He’s so deaf though. No point in trying to talk on the phone. I’ve got this now. Amends to the bitch as soon as she shows up. Demand an apology from her. That’ll set it right.
2:30. Upstairs waiting and waiting. See she’s 15 minutes late. God damit, how can she have a job behaving like that? 3:00 and I finally see her and head over.
A pause here as I write this. Even I’m getting a little bit sick and tired of my whining here. I made amends. She thanked me and we went back to work. Except I didn’t feel any better. She hadn’t apologized. Or gotten into any trouble for messing up my day.
A couple of hours later as I continued my list of her transgression a minor miracle occurred. I paused, noticing how miserable I felt. Almost immediately I heard “YUK,” and “I don’t want to feel like this. I know how I want to feel.” And boom. I did. A big grin came over my face. “I really do know how I want to feel.” A tenderness swept over me. A quiet calm. The grin grew. Life became a joy.
It’s as if there were a pool of peace surrounding me at all times. And I just had to remember that it was there. Always. And always accessible when I remember.
Its days later now, and as I get caught in the shit of daily life, I’ve been able to remember and keep reminding myself. “I do know how I want to feel and be.” And there I am again. Surrounded by a quiet calm. Thank you God.

One Rainy Day This Fall

I’ve been asked to write about an experience I had early last summer.
Let me introduce myself a bit first. Rick wheeler. Spiritual Director at Volunteers of America Men’s Recovery Center. I’ve done volunteer work in both our county’s jails and in our state’s prisons before going to VOA. The men I work with are coming out of life long alcohol, drug and crime driven lives. It is a rough crew I work with. Its important work to me and, even though often very difficult and frustrating, I find it immensely rewarding.
Last summer, during my daily bus commute, I was waiting at the downtown transit mall in front of the County Probation Department. Always an interesting place to hang out. I often know people going into and out of the building. Not today. That day I was busy meditating, counting beads on my prayer mala. A disturbance pushed its way into my attention. The disturbance was a very loud and angry shaven headed man.
Checking him out, “Not someone I know.” Loud heated swearing at some county employee who wasn’t giving him what he wanted. Heavily laden with crude sexual references to the employee. Loud racial slurs. Eyes were on him as people carefully positioned themselves. Pedestrians avoiding him as they walk carefully by.
In the middle of this painful crudeness, the shaven headed man turned in my direction and our eyes met. My breath caught deep in my belly. He stopped his rant and began to walk toward me. My jail and prison training kicked in. If a con begins to enter your personal space, don’t back up. Step forward into theirs. Standing up, I deliberately began to approach him. My eyes carefully on his. Now standing within feet of him I looked up at him and said, “Don't you just hate it when people mess with ya.” A pause. “And I hate it when I get me real angry.” Another pause. “Guys like you and me, we can’t afford to get real angry 'cause we keep going back to prison or jail over it.” His shoulders softened, rounded and dropped. He shifted from one foot to another. Then he let out a long slow deep breath.
“Yeah. Let it go. Breathe it out.” His face softened and his eyes took on a more relaxed tone. “You do know how to do that don’t you. You know how to let it go. You know how to calm yourself down. You do know how to keep them from getting to you. How to keep from going back to lockup.” His face lit up. Big smile on it.
“Yeah I do,” he said. Another long deliberate letting out of breath. As he began to turn away, “I’ve got some other f***ing business to attend to, and I’m late.”
“And you know do how to take care of yourself there don’t you?”
Looking over his shoulder, big smile on his face shaven headed says, “Yes I do. Thanks.” And bounces off up the street.
My bus was pulling up. Shaking my head, shaking off the encounter and it’s tension I got on and headed off to work thinking, “What the hell just happened there?”