WHY SUFFERING?
“In the case of suffering, as long as we feel that there is some fundamental way out, we will not see what it actually is or notice its possibilities. When we become sensitive and aware enough to see that there really is no way out and we surrender to that fact, then we can begin to make some interesting discoveries. We see first that our resistance has been based on our expectations about ourselves and our lives. We see that our ego ideal-our image of who we should or could be, and what life could or should be-is not as solid or necessary as we thought. We see that all of this is our own self-maintained drama and we see its ultimate nonexistence. And in that moment, we let go.
In doing so, we discover, with some amazement, that we do not just cease to be, as we had so greatly feared. Instead, we have crossed over some threshold and entered into a different kind of existence. We find ourselves softer, fuller, more complete. Suddenly, we are no longer in a hostile and threatening environment where we are constantly fighting for our lives, our safety, our dignity, and our nourishment. Our fear is gone and we find, at that moment, that the universe is a place of blessing”.
Dr. Reggie Ray What's the Use of Suffering? Shambhala Sun, September 2001
I woke up this morning as I do most mornings. Heart beating loudly in my chest. A sense of worry, fear and dread. I first noticed this morning awakening beating heart on retreat about three years ago. I was absolutely aghast. What was wrong? With me and my life that I was feeling such strong fear. The urge to flee was strong and habitual. I spent some time trying to figure out what it was, what to do about it, and why it had come up at that time. Didn’t do much good, so I threw back the covers, got dressed and went to the walking meditation porch in my dorm.
Bowing, I entered the room, offering myself to the present moment. To build with me and do with me as it would. Asking only that bondage to self be removed. In very small steps and synchronized with the in and out of my breathing I began to slowly walk my way in circles around the bamboo floored room. No great revelation came that morning. But I calmed down, enjoying the sunrise and the lovely early morning light on the polished floor and the cool morning air of that screened in porch. Enjoying the calming feel of the hard wood on my bare feet as I walked. The rhythm of breath with rhythm of walking. The lifting of one foot, then the other. The setting down of other, then the one.
This morning, lying in bed, I placed my hands on my chest with all of the tenderness and compassion that arose that day. I’ve been doing that now for about two years. No fighting with the fear. No trying to figure it out. No name calling of self or other. Just loving as best as I can. I don’t know about yours, but my life is difficult these days. Age is catching up to me. I had an experience yesterday at work of not knowing what I’d done with $300.00. My work space is about four feet by four. Had three people looking for the money for about an hour. My arthritis is flaring and standing has become painful much of the time. Since moving to Portland, our financial life has gone from questionable to very rough in this current economic time. The entirety of our retirement was in real estate and all of it is now underwater. More is owed on it than its worth. Sometime soon it will probably all go into foreclosure. Our current rent is way more that we can afford and it’s going up again soon. There are days when I doubt any and or all of my abilities and just want to curl up in a ball and call it quits.
So I love myself tenderly in my doubts and in my pain. And in that love, I find tenderness for all people who are scared and worried right now. Those who have it way worse than I and those whom I think have it made. That tender place feeds and sustains me way more that the fear drags me down. When I can start out the day from a place of belonging to the human race and of loving it just as it is, of loving me and my life just as it is, the day goes just fine. I’m not envious or jealous of others good fortune and joy. My heart swells for those who suffer.
My understanding of happiness has changed a great deal over time. Now, a very tender sorrow is part and parcel of it. Nothing excluded. All of life a part...
Love to you all, rick
