Trying to hang on to an old idea...

Up late tonight. Crescent moon rising in the east over the Rose Garden.
Restless. Irritable. Discontent.
Walking home from my Max ride tonight, in a part of town that I don’t really enjoy even during the day, from out of the darkness of a recessed doorway on that dark, not very well lit street slid a scruffy troll of a man mumbling loudly as he scurried close, “You got a dollar man. A dime. Even a nickel in that fancy briefcase you carry. Give me a dollar. A dime. Give me man. Give me somfin’. I don’t mean to hassle you, bug you or bother you, but give me man.” Fortunately a cop drove by right at that moment and I walked out into the street in front of him to flag him down. Scruffy troll quickly disappeared, scurrying off in some other immediate not cop’s presence direction. Fuck, it’s been a long time since I didn’t feel safe in walking down the street.
Looking around, making sure the path was clear again, I headed home. Mind racing. Teeth clenched. Lots of tension in my jaw. “I need to get a weapon. To defend myself on these night walks home.” It made complete sense. “Get me a gun. No not a gun silly. One of those extending batons that cops carry. Just kick the living shit out of the next fucker that hassles me.” Big grin on my face as I replayed busting his leg with my new found friend and security blanket. Like I said, “Restless, irritable and discontent”.
It’s been a long month. Moved to a new home. Packing. Unpacking. Negotiating what goes. What stays. Where it all goes and where it doesn’t go. Adrenal fatigue back up. Missing about 25% of my work schedule cause of it. Just no get up and go some days. Used up all my sick days. Two more in the next 45 days and I could easily lose my job. Relationship struggles and stresses.
Got me thinking tonight as I micromanaged some dust mites on the living room floor. “If I can just get this all together right, I’ll finally be comfortable. If I can just hold this all together the way I want to, I’ll be happy. Not scared. Secure.”
Never worked before. But I still seem to pursue that old idea. Definition of insanity?
I was grumped out at my meeting tonight. Even grumpier at the business meeting afterwards. The common denominator in all of this is me and my attitude. Gonna visit with my sponsor tomorrow. Glad for that.
Love you all.